Its the age?

My little daughter is turning 16 next week. I am in my 40's, I have lived my life, aiming to settle down in life, while my daughter is entering into life. She is entering into unknown, she is entering into age when typically one starts thinking “what next?” “What will be my future?”

She shared “Sometime I feel I am wasting my time, all around me of my age children are busy building their future, I am living my present”.

I sensed anxiety, at the same time I admired “living present”.

This took me to back to my teenage, when I used to look into daily newspaper to see “what kind of job 10^th fail people gets?” I was living in future............When I got admission in architecture, I was busy making my portfolio for future (job) and the chain continued till I explored Aarohi.

Something struck to me “why its the age (16yrs) to be clear, or do something about future?” We had a discussion on “is it about age or is it when one feel is ready?” I shared “Imagine there is a rule that all 13yrs old should be going for shopping every Sunday?” I think, one goes for shopping when one feels the need/want to buy not goes because all 13yrs old should go for shopping”. My son, who was listening all this, got excited with the thought of this kind of rule :).

I shared when I got married and left my parents house, I did not feel that I am not ready to leave my parents house, I left because I wanted to go out do job, have my own house.......I did not get married because all 25yrs old girls should be married. --:).

I shared “at this age, I feel that you have many other bigger challenges to face, than only preparing yourself for future. It is the age when your body is changing, your feelings are changing, your needs are changing. In appearance, 16yrs look big, but struggling to live upto image of that bigness. You have your own sets of struggle – trying to establish yourself, knowing your self beliefs, understanding your needs and wants, gaining confidence, building your esteem....................and many more such things. Why not live “in present” and stay with present?

We pondered together. Is it that people give us those images or we confirm to those images? We also pondered how does these conventions are formed? How this would have become norm that “one should get ready for future”, What is future? What is present? What happens when one lives in present for future?

Exploring more

Safe environment

'I need a safe and comfortable environment to express” I have heard this few times earlier and keep pondering “how can others create safe environment?”

If, I want a safe environment, this what I can do (my list to empower me)

Express and be open for feedback

When I raise finger on other, rest four are pointing at me. So when I express and may be in my expression blame others, I have risk of getting the blames back on to me. Am I ready to receive that feedback? If, I am open for that feedback, I may find any environment safe to express.

Look inside me

My discomfort with others is based on my assumptions and beliefs. So when I start challenging my own self, start re-looking at my own beliefs - my expression becomes safe for myself. I am not fearful of others questioning me, I am open for questioning by others and self both. I make my own environment safe and comfortable to express.

Multiple Images

When I open my mouth to express, I open myself for all kinds of images. If I live out of one image of myself, I carry the danger of being unfit for that image. The truth is that  I am dynamic - I am sometimes caring, sometimes not, I am resourceful sometimes, sometimes not. I work efficiently sometimes, sometimes not. I am all. So after my expression when my any image is challenged by others, I am at peace. I make it safe for myself by having multiple images for myself and accepting myself in many images. Reminded of the quote in Geniekids “Noone can make me feel inferior”.  I read in Hermann Hesse’s novel Siddartha  “I allowed people to cheat me and take advantage of me”. Yes, If I work with multiple images, I can make me feel safe to express, its my duty for myself.

Feelings

Feelings are natural, they come, so let us not stop them. What I do with that feeling is in my hand. When I am angry, I can shout or be silent, when I am jealous, I can put down others or express my needs. When I am in touch with my response to my own feelings, I make it safe for myself to express.

Motivation

Where my motivation to work is coming from? Is it for myself or it is for others. May be when I work for myself, I am not looking for external appreciation. And when I do not get any appreciation I am fine. I make place safe for me by working for myself.

Labeling and My Language

When I start my language from YOU to ME, I start making things safe for me. I am not in any danger of any discomfort. I talk about myself, I own it. I have no danger of hurting others (one of the fear when I start expressing). When I start minding my own business and forget about others, I start making it safe me.

Someone asked me “Is it that I have work on myself only?”

hmmmmmmmmmm its the choice I make to my environment safe in any situation or I expect from people to make it safe for me.

working together

Me and Rat began our journey with a small dream in our relationship “we want to work together”. It was a romantic dream.

As we worked together we realized we both are different

I am serious and want work, he is jolly and does a lot of work.

I needed results, and he would dream,

I needed action, he would generate ideas

Our difference reached a stage, where we  no longer wanted to see each other – rather I did not want to see him. He was determined to not break our relationship nor close GK, so we continued.

When our different persona clouded my thoughts, I could only see “muck” in Rat. I cried and curse myself for such a stupid dream of “working together”. I wished I had never thought of working together – seeing and working together made me absolute impatience for him. Working closely highlighted lot of other personal differences - sometimes Rat even would ask me “Am I suppose to answer this as a colleague or as a husband?” Kids were lost – Our daughter Asawari made it lighter for us “its okay to fight”.

We decided to work separately – we started working on two different project. He continued with Geniekids and I started working on Aarohi. We decided to not to interfere with each other and true to his promise, Rat never interfered with Aarohi.

We both bloomed

Our working places bloomed.

We still are together but our definition of working together has changed.

What is empowerment?

Is empowerment a method? Is it something that will apply only sometimes or not apply on kids all the time? Is is that we empower some time and not all time?

Pondering:
If I am helping a child is it not empowerment?
If i am not responding to child, is it not empowerment?
If I am not making child think and helping, is it not empowerment?
If I am upset with child, am I not empowering?
If I am setting up consequence for the child with the child. am I not empowering?
If I am not acknowledging I am not empowering?
If i am not trusting the child, am I not empowering?
If I am not following the child, am I not empowering?
If i am not allowing child to take decision, am I not empowering?
If i am refusing to listen to child, am I not empowering
If I am not acknowledging the child, am I not empowering
Well, we do all the above at Aarohi and yet empower the child :-)

Many times I decide to not to respond the child and I inform the child why – what way am I empowering the child?
At times I ask the child to do the task and then reflect – I do the thinking for the child – is this another way of empowerment?
When I am upset with the child, I do express and I express in many ways  - the empowerment also means knowing other's needs and my role in that.

For me empowerment is not a set rule, it does not have a rigid definition. It is not static. Like river empowerment is dynamic, it is fluid, it changes its form in many ways, in many places.

Then what is empowerment?

Persian movie, “A separation”.

Watched a Persian movie, “A separation”.  We liked movie for its tight script, direction and no extra frills.

The movie began with application for divorce, and ended up with.............. In between the family gets into some trouble.  Movie takes many interesting turns and as a viewer does not allow me to make one image about one character  - all have their own characters. Sometimes the lady reminded me of myself, and husband reminded me of Ratnesh, sometimes it was vice versa. The 11yr old daughter reminded me of my own daughter Asawari - watchful, thoughtful and yet very supportive without any judgements of the actions of her parents.

I enjoyed listening to Persian language.

A classic for people like us who loves movies based on intense portrayal of characters.

What we loved about the movie - the kind of beliefs the script  lets you form of the characters and then the story breaks them one after another. In one way it is a movie about judging and not judging. 

You end  up judging and then you gasp when you reliased that all your judgments were actually judgements.Very cleverly and delicately directed - with some awesome editing and acting.

Loved all the characters.

Highly recommended.

Aditi-Ratnesh

work and work

Have been thinking about the similar lines for few days.

This blog is triggerd by a post by Nivi "A Ted Talk on 'How to live to be 100+http://www.ted.com/talks/dan_buettner_how_to_live_to_be_100.html "

At Bodichipalli village I see many old age people, still carrying water from well to their homes.

One of our mason has grand children and he still travels by cycle and lifts bricks.

At village, our neighbors made their home by themselves with a little help from other villagers - they do carpentry, masonry, painting, gardening .........all works together and still they get time to sit out and do nothing, Kids at campus are impressed with their multitasking.

Last week we were discussing about "when a child of 3 yrs is working on Mobile, laptop or text books we all feel great, but when the same child washes the plates we may be thinking "oh! the child is doing work". According to me whether it is operating mobile or washing plates both are skills and child is exposed to both the skills - but our own belief about both the skills gives different messages to the child".  I see no difference in learning maths from text books and sweeping floors - but the way it is delivered to kids creates boundaries - one becomes superior and other inferior. One becomes more important and other more important and waste of time. Many kids shares "this is not my work, maids will do this work".

In our education we talk about hands on skills, but we donot talk about our own work which we find all around us - we outsource our daily task to others (maids, carpenters, plumbers............) and send our kids to various learning classes to work on hands on skills like pottery class, robotics, theater classes and so on.

One of the visitor at campus asked me "if the child is not working on maths in Kitchen lab, then what value one gets out if it, kids can do a lot of maths in kitchen, how does other things like cleaning the table bring value for them". I was speechless. I see a huge value in cleaning table  - we first think about the left over food, how to recycle them, how to store them, how to make changes in our next meal based on the left over quantity..............this intangible maths is invisible and hence does not bring value for many.