Only to discover you

Many times I think “I was so happy home schooling my kids”…….why I ever thought of Aarohi? What made me to take this trouble on my head…….I scratch my head when I am disappointed…………..ah! why I am disappointed?

When I see kids in last few years walking with confidence in their thoughts……….I feel all the efforts are worth………………….why do I think its worth?

Dedicating this year to DISCOVER.....................read below
“Nothing you become will disappoint me; I have no preconception that I'd like to see you be or do. I have no desire to forsee you, only to discover you. You can't disappoint me” - Mary Haskell

I just loved this thought "only to discover you".  Thank you subha for sharing..............let me make all relationships "only to discover..................so no disappointments" :).

Shubha keeps talking about: unconditional love”. What is this unconditional love?

I keep hearing “I am doing this for my child/ren”. Is this thought itself is conditional?  

I am on holiday for past two days…………I announced “I have taken holidays for a week, I want to spend time together, I want to relax, I do not want to go to Wonderla for you but for me. I want to go for shopping for myself…………………..I realized this announcement was liberating for me, Rat and my kids too :)

I used to tell Asa/ Dhup “If you have to become something, you have to..............…” while I was free from conventional success patterns, I was still stuck at success in some forms…………..…I was so wrong, I was still creating images of “expectations”…………………And the result often was disappointment.

In past few years “discovering” has become prime agenda of my parenting/ facilitating…………….and there are no disappointments.

I realized when I have no images of “become something” my kids too have no image of my parenting too - we all are free from all disappointments. 

For me the meaning of education has changed from preparing the child for tomorrow to “discover”. Definition of duty as parent has changed from safety to "discover". 

Discover me, the child, the relationship................list is long. 

Am I safe for my children?

We were travelling in car with few kids. Kids were sharing about a child who has told them various stories about his father. To some he told that he consumed poison, to some he told he met with an accident, some he told he consumed poison and then became alive………………………….kids were sharing with each other “why he tells so many stories? God knows how many stories he has and how many fathers he has…………………….”.

One of the adult in the car asked with all the positive intentions “why do you think he tells all this, what are his needs?’

First there was a silence in the car, then phatak! One child said “you are not part of the discussion”................. Slowly the kids stories faded, they too changed the topic and we continued with our journey.

This reminded me of my own experience

In collage from the day one I was dating Ratnesh, I wanted to tell my elder brother. One of the days I shared a little with him how we told lies to parents and went for night coffee at 3am. Out of all his positive intention he said very gently to me “be careful, all this can be dangerous.....boys can take advantage”.

After that for four years I did not tell him anything about my relationship with Ratnesh, until the day I had to tell to get the permission to get marry :)

few days back, Asa went alone in auto to GK , she shared that she gave a lift to one stranger lady, I was quick enough to tell her “this can be dangerous”………………..

It was a dilemma for me to tell or not?  To tell at that time or talk about her views…………….well, we continued the discussion in very many different ways, she shared her views, I shared mine…….and at the left with “this may be just my apprehensions and few stories of strangers I have heard”. As usual Asa smiled :)

Now Asa tells me her 5^th std stories of school (4yrs old stories)– how she used to chat chat and chat and the teacher changed her seat or how they used to play games hiding below the bench ………………………….and many more.

Still when it comes to share stories of Aarohi – she with half apprehension in me, half confidence in me she tells, she waits and watch before she tells me more…………..

Dhup will come and say non-stop…………………sometimes he clearly says “I am not telling you what happened”.

Yet, to work on myself on making my presence SAFE for  my children. 

Think for self

I got a mail “practice as often as possible and not occasionally. Regularity in classes ensure growth as envisaged by us as an organisation”……… …hmm I read and this made me think

What is growth?

Am I learning for someone else’s growth?

Am I learning for growth envisaged by someone else ?

I read in an article “kids have become parents’ pet project”.

And oh god! to support that pet project we get enough media screaming “give us your child we will make him better, make your child super achiever………..the list is long”.

Well, some of us like you and me cannot stop these marketing gimmicks – what all we can do is EMPOWER the child who is able to stand for herself in the midst of all this rat race.

In Satmave Jayte Aamir Khan emphasizes "Parents are responsible for child's sexual safety". We go one step ahead - lets empower children to be responsible for their sexual safety (knowing that we cannot be present with children all the time).

So in learning too we go ahead and constantly work on “empowering”.

Many times parents come and ask me “I will not demand from my child to do things for performance or get good marks but the schools/ teacher/ others demand” And I say repeatedly “its good news that others demand, empower your child to THINK and able to SCREEN and still learn what child wants to learn. 

We are not asking the whole world to change the way we think or look at the learning the way we look - that will be too mean :)............what I see way ahead is “EMPOWER” ability to THINK for self.

Doubting is good news

This summer I explored with Dhup doing some of the workbooks of maths.  I have stopped doing this with Asawari as I saw no use of it to add to her learning journey.

With Dhup I again I tried………..After few days it looked so futile to do those activities without any purpose or exploring those concepts. He was just doing 2-3 digit addition for the sake of doing…………. We have come back to real life learning……exploring ………………life is back to learning.  

I keep doing these experiments every summer/ holidays with my kids - so take it lightly :)

Once again I saw no use of just doing some workbooks to confirm that my child is …………..For me workbooks are tools, to be used as and when require by the child, situation……………not be used to confirm that the child knows this much or equivalent to…………….or capable of………..

I used to get goose bumps when I used to see some of the maths books of ^10th std…………….I used to doubt “oops will Asawari be able to do this?

Any time when I sit with her and she explores it take minutes for her to get that concept ………. Asa explored volume, after we needed to calculate for water sump in O-campus and she did by herself with workbooks and various exercises. After a visit to O-campus with water experts, she wanted to explore the structure of the earth and today she knows more that me.

After reading this post  - do not go and check her knowledge about earth, she hates checking. She will only share her knowledge with you as and when she will feel SAFE with you.

I have observed people asking and checking out of their curiosity to check Aarohi and its methodology with her and  she will confirm that she doesn’t not know. Or will say “I do not know”.

At O-campus and at home - in the last one month - both the kids - all they have done is being with me, roaming around, at home watching TV, doing new activities ... and just ABSORBING. 

I am happy I have Ratnesh around me – a man with deep insights. He is little shrewd, little silent, little adamant, little blunt …………..when it comes to learning.  I have never seen him doubting any child or any adult for their capabilities.

I read this “We are like the ancient astronomers and actively seek out only that information that confirms our beliefs and theories about ourselves and the world." ……..hmmmmmm 

I am happy that I keep oscillating. When I explore conventional learning and try to get convinced I get new insight, this allows me to look at the child and the leaning in different perspective. 

 Every time I doubt……..I learn.........doubts are good news for me :)

Experts and Killing...

I read the article here http://www.zenmoments.org/my-favorite-liar/
I enjoyed reading about this liar.

I liked
“Experts” can be wrong, and say things that sound right – so build a habit of evaluating new information and check it against things you already accept as fact".
 
 hmmmmmmm.....................blindly we follow experts, already established thoughts  and we continue to teach the same...........and here we kill all the scope of …….

One person came to O-campus and said "plant only during rain" and he left..........Asa took it as final words.............She announced "no plantation will happen till rains?"

I questioned "people will come and go..........people with various experience will come to O-campus...................how about listening to all, learning from all and finally continue our spirit of experimentation? Let us explore and continue to plant, experiment with various treatment to the plants.......................observe, explore and experiment".

Looking back at my own behaviour

Many times I follow people, I listen and look forward to listen more

Many times I do not follow people - I just listen to them and move ahead

I am wondering whom I follow, whom I do not?

I think

I follow people who do not ask me to follow them :)

I do not follow people who think they know all.

I look forward to meet Dr Yogananad, Pramod and Subha who will keep telling “this is what I am telling you, you see what you want to do, how you want to do? Pramond openly tells me “I do not want to convince you to use mud blocks, you do your own homework, and then if you want I will give you the technology”.

Although he is assisting me as and when I need and have shared all the technology of making mud blocks but all the responsibility is on my head…………..he has not given me any readymade solutions………………I keep running here and there, understanding on my own, going back to him…………..The journey is not so smooth or ready for me to pick from the shelf …..but this is truly exploratory and leaning experience.

Making of O-campus has given me opportunity to explore many many options of looking at things...............as nothing is available with one phone or just dial :-). 

Only for my awarness

Asa shared “I want to explore what is this 10^th exams?”.

My gyan to her before she said anything more

“I think you should first explore why you want to know about 10^th and what you want to know.  You shpuld know what is the objevtove of  giving 10^th or 12^th  or anything……………….May be you spend time with various professionals - some areas you like, some areas you do not like”. May be you decide to become a farmer, you may not spend your time on 10^th exam……may be you want to become a scientist ………………………….

I also began to explore which all professionals she can work with, I gave her few names, few ideas……….

At the end she repeated  with a smile “Ma I, only want to know for my awareness”.

Hmmmmmm

So much for my gyan and my own thoughts.

She is clear, why she wants to explore, she knows what she wants to know.

Similar Age - does it matter to Asa?

Asa has been asked many times by me and others “do you miss children of your age’ OR when she is in company of her own age “how it is to be kids of your age?”

And consistently Asa has been expressing “it does not matter to me”.

When Asa was learning Kathak, I asked her “will it make difference if you learn with kids of  your age”. She expressed with confidence “no Ma, It does not matter, I will learn in any which way”. My reasoning “If you learn with kids of your age, you will learn more, you will have more challenge, you will get more exposure” – She was clear what she is. I was wrong, she learnt what she wanted to learn - she dance with 6yrs and also with 18yrs old.

Mother in me also thought of talking to Anjana to find a group of her age

Faculty in me stopped me

Confidence of Asa did not allow me to move ahead with my thoughts

Well, My reflection “I am operating my own beliefs and I am so much wrong when it comes to asa and on top of that I keep checking with Asa “how was it to be with child of your age?”.  Her reaction has been consistent “nothing different”.

Recently she went to beach with a child her age, my first question “so how was it be with the child of your age” She smiled, She accepted me with my repeated checking on this age matter, she shared “fun”. She only have been talking about “beach and fun" she had, I see no reference of the child who was of her age…………I know she likes beach and she enjoyed - THAT ALL. Possibly mother in me wants to hears something else:). Ratnesh never checks or ask such questions – or rather he has no such inhibitions.

Am I checking to be sure that If she needs the company of her age, I will create opportunity? Checking myself “Whenever she needs company of her age, will she not create opportunity for herself”? If yes, why this agevari de?

Am I operating from my beliefs?

Am I influenced with conventional way of looking at learning and age?

Am I operating form my own fear of my own parenting and facilitation?

Am I afraid that she is missing if she is not in company of her own age?

 

I am thankful I have Asa around me who has her own thinking. She beautifully stands for what she thinks and allows me to stay with my own thoughts. She never discards my funny thoughts – she says “its okay to think like this”.   

Looking around me I know I am never in company of exactly 41 years old with me – I have people around me who are 10 yrs younger or older to me………..So what is the big deal about this age? When I interact I do not even ask “are you 41yrs – will I get challenge in your company, will I learn in your company? I just enjoy with people around me. So same is with asa – she just ENJOYS. She laughs when she is with Samarath who is 2yrs or she communicates with Paranv who is 4yrs or Radhika who is 11yrs old or anyone any age or Namrata or Mina who  are 30+

Similar Age - does it matter to Asa?

I am happy with my own journey of this thoughts - thanks to Asa I have been able to express, experiment and explore this thought. I am at peace with my own understanding "it does not matter to her, or rather she is capable of thinking for herself, I do not need to take rope in my hand"

Love and Fights

Few days back Dhup asked me “How did you decide to get marry with papa”? It made me think, I paused and shared “We both liked each other and decided to get marry”.

Dhup “If you liked each other then why you used to fight with him earlier?”

Hmmmmmm,

Asa’s view – It fine to fight. Fine for me and Dhup also to fight

Rat's view – You fight with people whom you love more. Anyway the fights helped me to know myself.

My reflection

I have been working with so many people. I realized that when I work with Rat, I have zero tolerance for him, when I work with others my tolerance is much higher. I am exploring myself and various relationships.

Consequence

I have been experimenting with consequence and no consequence. I read a book by john holt also.

For me consequces are pre decided, decided at peace, both the parties are involved in making decisions, both the parties take responsibility of their behaviour.

Punishments are adults driven and based on their mood at that time hence unfair and inconsistence.

Earlier when we used to set consequence for Dhup, during the implementation I had emotions attached to it, some results were expected. The repeat behaviour was a torture for me. The consequences did not give me desired results, infact they became punishment for me. It did not help Dhup too.

I read in John Holt, one specific thing stuck in my mind, For some kids the conventional as well as alternate environment both are harmful.

Conventional for their rigidity and standardization

Alternative for its love and care

I worked on myself. I worked on keeping my emotions aside, I worked on my beliefs.  I started re-looking at consequences (without emotions and expectations of results)

Now still I work with consequences but I am “cool” with him, as Asa put it. I am not perturbed If he continues with his so called tantrums. I am internally also fine.

I say to myself “he is working on himself”.  As he said himself “Ma, I am working on myself, you have to try 1, 10 , million times”.

Life is at peace with my changed beliefs about consequences. I laugh, he laughs, we both laugh.  

The other day Asa and me told him “we would not like to have our control on you, but your response to certain situations is not responsible, you are not taking responsibility, hence we continue to have control on you.  As and when you are ready to take your freedom with responsibility, our control on you will reduce. Personally we do not like any kind of control on you”.

He said I am thinking and we left the conversation here.