Loosing purse was good :)

Loosing purse can be a learning experience.

Today I lost my purse – Both the kids were with me. Our Maosn was waiting on the road to be picked up, he had lost his way. Pramod waiting for us  at Yoganand’s office discuss structure plan of O-campus unit.

I had all the ingredients to be hassled, frustrated, loose patience, even cry, look for sympathy – I decided to RELAX and decided to finish the work and then go for FIR. Kids were initially worried, soon they talked, explored and settled.

It was a very insecure feeling to move around without a single rupee in the pocket. Well, we finished all our meetings and then went to police station to lodge FIR. First we reached traffic police and then real police as dhup described.

At police station, first thing we were asked t o do was “write an application”. Hmmmmmm  - I did it, and was asked three times to add more details.

We also saw lock up and 4 people inside it. Two were just beaten up and were without clothes, other two looked very tensed. The relatives were moving around. It was not a good feeling to be there – dhup expressed “ I am feeling scared to come to police station” Me too shared “it is not a good feeling, we have certain image of police station”. AT the end we came out smiling as we come out of any office or shop after we finish our work.

Dhup wanted to go for shopping and tell the shopkeepers that we will pay you next Sunday.  I did not venture, I was tired with terrible headache and no food, no money to have coffee. We came back home with zero money –  Asa expressed “you handled coolly, seeing you I too was relaxed, else I would have got tensed”.

The overall experience generated various feelings inside me.  

When I lost purse I was thinking “Oh I wish I was more careful”

When I had to handle any things at time, I told myself “relax”

At the police station I was curious

At the end I was happy

Happy –I was happy to be aware of  myself throughput the experience. I was happy that my kids got real life exposure of police station. I was happy that I landed up in this situation - most of time I am in my comfort zone, very rarely face such difficult situations. I was happy that we all together managed the situation and came with or own learnings.

Self Goal

Yesterday Asa showed the signs of “boredom”.

I was unwell for a week – she was all by herself.

Then I left for O-campus and Rat had fever – she was again all by herself.

Last week my Mother-in-law expired, we all were with guest and other people – she was all by herself.
This week she is also down with fever...........

A sign of guilt popped “Am I into my work and not giving her time”

I decided to look it at as a good news and an opportunity to share my thoughts.

Today I spoke to her

“I do not want to slow down my activities of work. You can also choose some activity which will give you challenge and excitement. In my opinion, when you do not have self goal, you may end up jumping here and there or feel left alone”.

I also shared “in a way in conventional system you are guided by the exams, and other external goals, you have not much time for yourself, But in Aarohi kind of system you have all the time for yourself, hence the holidays are not luxury. This is part of your learning on how to learn for yourself. So, have goals for yourself which will excite you.” I ended with “you take your time, do not go by what I am saying”.

I am leaving for K-campus today and her with her thoughts……………….

Two face or learning path

In my earlier days I used to expect that the faculty at Geniekids should be genuine and behave same as they are expected to behave inside the session - my belief “we work with kids, how can we have two faces?”

My changed belief “all are learning with kids, we are not perfect, hence each one operates with different perspective in different situations” – At Geniekids one will not scold/scream/punish a child (options not available), at home one may scold child (option available) - each one in both the situations learning and reflecting”.

Why one do not scream or punish the child at Geniekids? “see value in certain approach”
Why one scold/ punish/ child at home? “still learning to understand ourselves”.

My own reflection at home
I used to scold my kids, I used to scream at them,
I have slapped Dhup 2-3 times, do not remember with asa anytime
But I also know 100’s of times when I have not done and explored many other different ways.
My learning journey tell me How I have travelled - with continuous efforts, I do not need to scream at them anymore, I am able to be gently firm with them with persistence, clear expectations, changing beliefs, understanding them and using lots of humor (not my original strength). I am still travelling............................

So the thought was “two faced” earlier, now it is “learning path”. Two face thought was negative and all my actions were based on that, learning path is positive thought for me and my behaviour is more accepting. Faculty is same, situations are similar - My beliefs are different, me is different.

Consider what Carl Rogers has to say, “In my early professional years I was asking the question: How can I treat, or cure, or change this person? Now I would phrase the question in this way: How can I provide a relationship which this person may use for his own personal growth?”

One parent questioned “how do you expect one to change just because they do some training” How do you ensure your faculty talk and think and behave the same, as you think”.

Earlier I used to not accept, now I look at it learning journey. The earlier approach was stressful for me as that had desire to be fulfilled by others, the later is peaceful as this depends on me to be able to accept and respect people.

My changed belief “its a learning journey”. This changed belief makes me accept all as they are.

Post of a teacher

There is something different in the post of a “teacher, a parent, a manager”.

When I am teacher – I can scold, I can scream, I can punish, I teach, I know my subject
When I am a parent – I can scold, I can scream, I can punish, I ensure, I care, I am responsible
When I am a manager - I can scold, I can scream, I can punish, I get the work done

Screaming, punishing, threatening kids is all acceptable behaviour of adults? Is it acceptable behaviour of our children?

This raises a lot of question in me?

You and me as parent scream at our kids, we punish our children. If I smoke as an adult no issue but if a child tell a lie, we beat him up in the name of responsible behaviour and future.

For me it is not about a teacher, a parent or a manager – for me this raises the whole issue of RESPECT and RELATIONSHIP.

I was upset with one of the faculty at Geniekids , reason “she did not prepare the session and for me the quality in sessions matters a lot”. One fine day I screamed at her. My justification was justified to me. She raised the issue “do you respect faculty as much as you respect children?”

My reflection told me “no”.
I do not respect everyone
I do distinguish
I behave with kids differently and with adults differently
With kids I give space, with adults I expect “they should do”.

Now, if the session is not ready – I do question faculty, I do demand, but I am not upset (internally) with them.

This approach implies that as a facilitator/ coordinator, all I need is to offer a relationship which facilitates the child/ faculty to realise and work from the his strengths that we have presumed are there in abundance in the child.

What a liberating way to look at our role. Not only it liberates us of all expectations, it exposes the child’s innermost potential. Further this liberation means

· That we don’t need to put any mask (of a teacher). That we can simply be genuine, real or simply be ourselves. And in turn this genuineness leads to multiple advantages.
· This genuineness means that we can accept ourselves, our emotions, our beliefs, our failings, our limitations, etc. This self acceptance in turn makes it automatic for us to accept the child: his intentions, his trials, his mistakes, and most importantly his emotions.

Different faces of Competition

Dhup’s dream school is play school “In each class we make games and play and write about that game”. I asked no TV “he said with a grin, then how we will learn?” I questioned “you do not learn from TV?” He said “yeh we can TV in word module and we see the words, hear the words and write”. Many remote with one TV. We continued “in school should be a CD making shop. We make movie, put voice in it and make CD and see. I can put a shop “all repair master” I will have some cards so people can call me. I want to earn money; I can learn to become shopkeeper in the school, I need to learn maths to count money”. School should be 9 to 6pm – after 4 pm free play.

He said but if you make this school it will be your idea, everyone will say “aditi gave good idea”.

1. When a child is having competitive feeling - I say it is natural, I smile, I do not interfere
   
2. When an adult comes and tell me - you are my competitor, I smile and say for me you are not.
3. When a teacher or an adult tell a child "let us see who does better" - I have problem.

I am trying to understand why do I have problem?

Inspite of his comments, he continued to share his thoughts on his school with me. He did not mention "do not tell others or do not copy my idea". He continued to build his dream. with me. I call it natural

When a teacher uses competition to get the word done - the teacher is creating an environment of competition. And for me this is artificial. Teacher is using their feeling of competition to get work done (even if it is motivation- If kids in my class are motivated, it is my gain). Feeling of jealousy was natural for Kaikai, Mandira used that feeling to fire other means to create history :).

One of the role of teacher is to create ENVIRONMENT. How does one create the environment - (another blog) -:)

(here for I referring teacher as parent, faculty , all who have some knowledge and sharing or teaching others)

Evil inside us

“3months old girl child died, father assaulted her as he did not want girl child”, me and kids are following the news.

I am angry – not with the father, but with this whole DESIRE of mine which I fulfil thru my kids and others.

You and me, literate people can talk about this incident as “social issue” and ………………But before you raise finger on this father, can you raise finger on yourself?

One father told me “I put my both the kids thru personality development vigour, out of my two kids, with one my experiment failed, she is below……”. This is not only one father; this is the story of many of us.

You and me celebrate the birth of girl child – we no more distinguish between girl and boy child – does this makes us above that father who did not accept the girl child?

We are as horrible and hateable as that father who killed the girl child of 3months. He did not accept the girl child, you and me do not accept the child who is below average and the definition of below average changes as per my desires.

You may not be burning them with cigarette, but you may be burning them with your expectations?

You may not be smashing them as young as 3 months old, but you are smashing them now with your worry of future ………………….long list of desires?

In the name of love and better future you are kidnapping their childhood now. Do you call this a social issue?

In a society where girl child means – dowry, problems.

In a society where boy child means – more comfort,

Who wants a girl child?

In a society where smart child means my pride

In a society where performing child means fulfilling my desire

Who wants a child who is not bloomed as per my definition?

If we do the search INSIDE us you will find this father in each of us.

make your child smarter

make your child achiever

make your child taller

make your child beautiful

we guarantee……………..

Do these advertisements kindle the inner desire of yours? Do you relate with them? Do you buy this product? Why do you do this?

"The world is a dangerous place to live, not because of the people who are evil but because of the people who don't do anything about it." -Albert Einstein

Assertive

Father calling child bloody
Child collecting Rs 10/ every time father use this word
Parent's thought - As a child was collecting the fine -- a threat?
As a child, did she adopt this appropriate ( to her) strategy to stop a not so expected word from pa, whom she respected?
What did this 'threat'/bribe of fine reinforce upon her and her appa?
How did this 'fine' or 'threat', (one of her approaches) help in bringing an awareness to her pa?
So, what did a childs strategy of 'threat' (one of the many approaches/strategies available) do?
Is it not appropriate for a child to be SMART, to be assertive about his own needs and expectations from others.
Is it an exchange of ones needs or a bribe/threat?

My perspective

Collecting money neither gives assertive message to the doer nor does it save my emotional trauma. For father Rs 10 is not big deal, for child it is a satisfaction that she made him feel bad for himself by making him realize that he is using bad words.

If someone outside the house is bullying me saying bloody, stupid, …………do I collect money? What your daughter did was the best option available to her. So what is my role?

Pa can laugh by saying “see my child is so smart, getting the work done from me”. But is it really smartness? Or what is smartness?

SMART for me has no meaning - Assertive has lot of meaning for me. All sales people are asked to be smart, but when they come to sell anything to you – you know what they are talkingJ. I can think I am smart, but it is outside locus of control and my smartness depends on others capability to get conned :)

So when we work with HOM – we say every opportunity is good news – so it is good news that in home only she is facing inappropriate situation and you get the opportunity to create awareness about various options of how to be Assertive for one’s need.

There is thin line between threat and logical consequence.

• When you say “bloody” to me – It hurts my emotions.
• When you say “bloody” to me “I will not respond to you”. I demand my respect.
• When you are angry with me you can explain to me – and every time you are angry, not necessarily I am wrong. If you are angry – you can say like this………………. but not at my emotions cost by saying “bloody to me”.

Believe me say this to someone ONE time and for life the person will think before targeting you. People bully the one who is vulnerable……if you are assertive they will not like to trouble you.

At home I do not show my emotional tantrums to Asawari – she very clearly clarifies “what you are saying is not right, I understand what you are feeling, but this is how I think, I know this is what you want from me, but I can do it this way”. She also does not allow me to do this with Dhup – When I share my emotions, she listens, she cares but does not allow me to go beyond my limits. But I cross my limits with rat and take him for grantedJ

When I am upset with Asa I used to demand “reply to me, I need to understand what you are thinking”. She clarified “when you are upset, I cannot speak, I can write and share my thoughts”. I accepted her way, she now even speaks.

When she confronted me for the first time, I said “I am happy; you expressed and did not get bogged down with my emotions. Infact your expression helped me to understand myself”.

For me this is Assertiveness. Ask for my rights without using any tactics (emotional atyachar, money, anger, punishment, threats, silence, stop eating food……..).

In my perspective when one is telling me “bloody” – I have two options

1. Be assertive and clarify my needs
2. Ignore and do not get affected

So when a child is affected – I can guide the child, make aware what all is assertiveness….how all……..etc etc. This may take 1, 2…………….10 yrs – over to Shubha for HOM

Kids our pride

Few years back when Asa was in conventional system, somewhere at the back of mind me and Ratnesh both had the desire “our daughter” and achievement. If got A grade, then why not A+, If did well in dance then why not in sports. If selected for story telling, why not in science exhibition……….the list was long. Her achievements were our pride. Visibly we never pushed her or compared her with others but had desire :)

In last 3 years with home schooling and Aarohi where we have started travelling the journey of process, the products have become just part of it. Last week Asa and Dhup performed on stage – earlier me would have been most delighted with “my daughter and son” on stage, but now me was just watching performance as an audience and enjoyed. Their performance was and is no more our pride – we just enjoyed.

At home we talked about the experience, learning, efforts, team work, stage presence, feelings, different perspective of audience and performer…………….

The worry of FUTURE has disappeared – and this has given a lot of relief to Asa – she is at peace. She says “I am able to enjoy my today”.

What our words means to kids?

I frequently hear

1. If you trouble mummy, I will leave you here
2. Drink milk or else watchmen will come
3. If you say a wrong answer you have to give me Rs 50/-
4. If you write it wrong this time you have to stay here whole day and write

What does our words means to children? Once I told Dhup "If you are not ready to behave in Geniekids, stay at home". After realizing what my words did to him, It took a long time to build that trust back that I will not stop his going to Geniekids.

My personal experiences as a child

1. While crossing a cycle shop, I just played with the peddle and the shop keeper shooed me from there (nothing overwhelming for adult's world) - for next 5 yrs - every time I crossed that shop, I used to shiver ( my own imagination - he will keep me inside his shop and not let me go). Inly used to go with my brother (my saviour).
   
2. I used to go to wheat grinding shop (chakki) - once jokingly he told me "if you touch this weighing machine, I will weigh you and put in that chakki". I never visited the shop alone, I never touched his weighing machine, and every time I used to go with my mother I used to imagine what will come out of this If he puts me in".

You may like to read "Hidden Messages - what our words and actions are really telling our chidlren by Abeth Pantely".

What is competition?

• Is competition natural feeling?
• Is competition external agenda?
• Is competition internal agenda?
• How competition is healthy?
• How all competition effects way of working?
• Does world survives on competition?
• Do I want to do better than you? – is this natural?

I am making some statement here "Competition is natural feeling. I want to do my best, I want to learn from others. But when this becomes the driving agenda by others, it becomes external locus of control. The world is not competitive”.

Exploring what is “competition”?

Looking for a dialogue – share your thoughts.

compete or co-operate

My school days in dance and other cultural programme

• The best used to be in the centre (I have enjoyed that position many times).
• There was inbuilt sense of who is better L (I have experienced the lime light, I was pride of my parents and teachers).

In my recent dance programme - there was no centre, there was no best. All the participants did their best. The environment was of mix and match – kids/ adults were paired up in various combination. There was a little element of who is better – but it was negligible, hence had no major impact on me. Overall I loved this.

I had no feeling of best – I did my best. I learnt from others, I enjoyed. All participants had their own space to try, practice, think and be a team member. I enjoyed the space given to me to learn as per my best. I was at peace with my own abilities.

I accepted all my team members and enjoyed each performance. My perfect eyes were not looking for perfection, I looked at skills of each member at different levels - that was perfection for me :)

I see no major benefit of creating competitive environment.
I see a whole lot of holistic benefits of co-operative environments.

I have experienced both.

Marriage

This is dated 25th jan, 2011

Today, after dance class my daughter (12yrs) was upset with my son (6 yrs) “he was telling girls I want to marry you, now no one will talk to you”.

My son said “I only said to one girl, she did not listen to me, so I said to another girl, that’s all, I did not say to all the girls”.

Well, this lead to a lot of discussion on marriage.

I asked “what is marriage?”
He said “when a girl and boy marry and they stay together, how you and papa are staying”

I said “so when you become big you will get marry. How big is your cousin brother who recently got married ?”

He said “only when you are big, go to school, then college then you work - you will need money also na”.

I asked “when do you want to marry,
He replied - “Mummy see I do not want to marry now, I was just reminding them when I am big, they should not forget na”.
I said “before marriage me and papa became good friends, and all friends do not get marry”. Some like each other, some do not. You may like a girl but girl will not like you."
He looked worried “but noon likes me”
Now it was sister’s turn “girls do not like when you dance funny or speak in funny way - you do that only onto the stage not in real”.
He looked little relieved “yes, only in acting you do funny”.

He asked “why can’t a boy marry a boy?”
I said “they can, they are called gay and if girls marry girls they are called lesbians”
He said “but I do not want to marry a boy”
He asked “why can’t I marry my sister ?
I said “you can have only one relationship. You already have sister brother relationship - like Pizza cannot be pizza and burger both”. He started laughing.

At the end I said “I enjoyed talking to you about marriage, you can share any time you have anything about marriage”.

He hugged me and went to sleepafter dance class my daughter (12yrs) was upset with my son (7yrs) “he was telling girls I want to marry you, now no one will talk to you”.

My son said “I only said to one girl, she did not listen to me, so I said to another girl, that’s all, I did not say to all the girls”.

Well, this lead to a lot of discussion on marriage.

I asked “what is marriage?”
He said “when a girl and boy marry and they stay together, how you and papa are staying”

I said “so when you become big you will get marry. How big is your cousin brother who recently got married ?”

He said “only when you are big, go to school, then college then you work - you will need money also na”.

I asked “when do you want to marry,
He replied - “Mummy see I do not want to marry now, I was just reminding them when I am big, they should not forget na”.
I said “before marriage me and papa became good friends, and all friends do not get marry”. Some like each other, some do not. You may like a girl but girl will not like you."
He looked worried “but noon likes me”
Now it was sister’s turn “girls do not like when you dance funny or speak in funny way - you do that only onto the stage not in real”.
He looked little relieved “yes, only in acting you do funny”.

He asked “why can’t a boy marry a boy?”
I said “they can, they are called gay and if girls marry girls they are called lesbians”
He said “but I do not want to marry a boy”
He asked “why can’t I marry my sister ?
I said “you can have only one relationship. You already have sister brother relationship - like Pizza cannot be pizza and burger both”. He started laughing.

At the end I said “I enjoyed talking to you about marriage, you can share any time you have anything about marriage”.

He hugged me and went to sleep

what is my role?

When a child is in conventional environment parents want to give exposure of Geniekids to bring some peace in child’s life.
When a child is in Aarohi/ Khoj, we want to give exposure of so called real life to be able to face the world.

So what do we want? Why we want?

For me all exposure to the child is to empower. When a child is threaten or bribed or punished or driven by competition or happy or sad or frustrated (so called real life) – what is my role as a parent?

I was sharing my feelings about recent real life experience of dance . This was just a stimulator for me to start the conversation.

Dhup shared other incidences “yh! it is like if you do not give me chocolate, I will not give you chips” We also discussed in detail different perspective of threats - how some people can threaten you and abuse you (emotionally, physically or sexually), or make you do things which you may not want to do or you do in fear, fear of parents, adults, bully and so on.

Asa “I will go because I want to go in time, not because someone is threatening me”. We talked about respecting kids,…………and long long conversation on walk............………continue to explore

Do I need to oppose? Do I need to accept it? Do I need to share my thoughts? Do I need to speak out? Do I need to just flow with the flow and take what I want, leave what I do not want? Do we need to do things the same way, just because they are done in that way? What is competition? What is co-operation? What is sharing? What is insecurity? What is my need, what is your need? What is different perspective? What is achievement? What is success? What is performance? What is skill? What is learning?

Well, no conclusion on anything, no thoughts, just left to self reflection……..nothing is right or wrong…………..its all experience and Empowerment.

Something for which thought club at Aarohi started for kids.

What is Intelligence?

Add your thoughts

For me Intelligence is ability to do and to be able to do – I need some skills. I may have those skills or I can develop the skills.

Future is now

Having talks with Asa on how she wants to take dance ahead.

My opinion – Explore more things of different fields, do not get entangled with “this is what I want to do in my future”. Let your skills or some exposure not control your future now.

Asa’s opinion – I am anyway not doing anything for future, I am doing for now. I know anytime I want to learn anything more I can. So would like to explore different things. Exploring theatre now. May be explore making of K-campus next year.

Rat’s opinion – There is no age for anything , If feel like doing more of dance do that, if feel like exploring other things explore.

Dhup is super satisfied with his goal of stage performance, now he wants to explore TV.

Protecting

My little daughter is 13yrs old now and I am still protecting or want to protect her.

She has been showing confidence in travelling alone in bus for past one year.

I am postponing - Not wanting her to get exposed to any discomfort thinking “choti hai abhi, will she be able to take any bully in bus?”.

Today she again showed comfort to travel by bus alone to Geniekids for her theatre sessions.

I shared with her “I have been postponing, I was avoiding and protecting”.

As we shared our thoughts more I realized “I am not ready, she is”.

She will travel by bus alone from Wednesday --:)

Support circle

Yesterday, we watched movie “I am” with Asa. The movie has various topics which you may not be able to talk otherwise – the movie gives kick start to initiate the conversation in the house about child abuse, sperm donation of unknown man, gay, abuse of gay…………..

Today we talked about child abuse in house. We took the example of

1. Bribe “if someone tells you I will give you chocolate, you do not tell your mummy”
2. Threat – Do not tell your mummy, else I will tell him that you eat chocolate, or your mummy will scold you
3. You liking – You may like the act, You may also like to touch others body parts – what is expected behaviour for your body

At the end we talked about “so when you want to share, you may not be able to share all with us (ma-pa), who else you would like to share”

Initially kids were “only you, no one else”.

I insisted “its good to have a friend, other adults with whom you can talk and share”.

Dhup – Girija aunty

Asa – All the aunty in Aarohi I am comfortable, they understand. One more friend she selected to talk.

Thank you auntiessssssssssssssss for your trust and relationship with kids.

Report from our TV room.

Last year in summer we had constraint “TV one hour”

This year in summer we have constraint “one hour new doing and rest is open, including TV watch”

Dhup is having non-stop TV since school got closed.

• I am trying to train my ears to CLOSE for TV noise (for me anything on TV is noise).
• I guess in home, I had maximum problem with TV noise. I am at peace with my new hearing sense.
• I only remind him of the one hour of doing new things.

Few more constraints – meals should not suffer, take care of place, other routines take care etc. He had his choreography performance in between and he managed to reach in time (7 in the morning), did all preparation by self and reached everyday for the practice – nothing suffered due to TV.

Last year we tried with TV constraint, but more we had constraint, more he wanted to see TV

So this time we are trying with no constraint of time - Let us see age gae kya hota hai.

We had this for chocolate - we have unlimited access of chocolates at home – after initial excitement we have settled with need/ desire based chocolate. Only constraint still is “meals should not suffer”.

So whenever we have any issue like him not eating food, not taking care of the time or place etc – we talk about “take care of feed, meal time, what is expected behaviour etc. No talks on because you watch TV, you are not eating etc.” For me desire to watch TV is different and not getting ready for something is time is different – so not mixing up two things.

Learning together

I have always enjoyed the concept of all learning together in family without the agenda of teaching :-)

Soham was at home– I am not IPL type but seeing his fun, I joined him, Dhup was there to watch TV, Asa also joined to have fun and take video of their fun. Dhup and Soham kept on shifting between cartoon network and IPL. We were laughing, screaming and enjoying. Me and Asa got enlightened on name sof the players, what all they, how they play etc.

Kids did not have any agenda of me to join and learn about IPL or expose me to IPL - I just joined them J. I left after sometime, although I was enjoying. They continued, they did not call me back. Yehi farak hai mujh mein and unme.

Here is what Priya of 18ttt sharing.

I used to wonder how can family learn together and it is happening in my house.

my whole family is learning, my husband is going on looking for things that was inside the pyramid, my son is writing birthday wishes in hieroglyphics for his friends and his friends are trying to find out what it is ? my son is down loading songs games and now he has one pen drive for himself . It is mind blowing and amazing idea,

this is never ending saga of learning..........................................................................

we all are loving it.....................................................................................................

every traffic jam, every minute n every penny is worth for this kind of learning.

Report from our TV room.

Last year in summer we had constraint “TV one hour”

This year in summer we have constraint “one hour new doing”

Dhup is having non-stop TV since school got closed.

• Asa will tell him “now it is enough, the sound is getting in my head”
• Rat will say similar things
• I am trying to train my ears to CLOSE for TV noise (for me anything on TV is noise) – I only remind him of the one hour of doing new things. I guess in home, I had maximum problem with TV noise. I am at peace with my new hearing sense.

Few more constraints – meals should not suffer, take care of place, other routines take care etc. He had his choreography performance in between and he managed to reach in time (7 in the morning), did all preparation by self and reached everday for the practice.

We tried with TV constraint but more we had constraint, more he wanted to see TV. So this time we are trying with no constraint - Let us see age gae kya hota hai.

We had this for chocolate - we have unlimited access of chocolates at home – after initial excitement we have settled with need/ desire based chocolate. Only constraint is “meals should not suffer”.

So whenever we have any issue like him not eating food, not taking care of the time or place etc – we try to talk about “take care of feed, meal time, what is expected behaviour etc. Less talks on because you watch TV, you are not eating etc.”

Trying to understand his point of view – let us see how it goes.

self compassion

I like the idea of "self compassion"

I as a person do a lot of self reflection, but the joy of learning by reflecting keeps me alive. I also learn a lot from others mistake :--) ..............I am also famous in gk "adi with 100 eyes".

I enjoy my faults - I have travel my own journey to be able to enjoy my faults. I am at peace. That is why every time you meet me I will be another person.

Every time i come out of any training session - I learn from participants, I learn from what I speak and preach, I learn when I reflect on what I am preaching. I enjoy training session for my benefit.

Read more on self compassion
http://www.dailygood.org/view.php?sid=211

Transforming
Aditi

Learning as a learner

I have been learning dance and performed on stage with all ages around me (5 to 40yrs)

My learning as a learner

I am INTO it in my own way, my teacher is into it in her own way.

I am learner – I learn in different ways – seeing, reflecting, reciting, instructions, practice, inspiration,…… etc,

I like to chat, I also chat when my teacher wants me to be serious. When she wants me to focus on dance – I focus on one child’s broken ghoogroos. When she wants me to smile and enjoy dance – I think about something else and smile by force to avoid put downs and scream.

I like to interact with my peers- infact this is the best part of the class I like – Be with my fellow learner and just chat, interact and practice together.

I am also performing on stage - the whole sardarad is on my teacher – As a learner I am at peace, so even when my teacher is worried, I do not connect with her worries, as this performance is all by her, for her – I am just an artist there. Sometimes even I feel like a puppet in the class – cannot speak, cannot ask questions, cannot share my expression, cannot tell my needs. I have to come in the class – learn the dance as my teacher wants me to learn, follow the rules set by the teacher. She keeps on telling me to smile with stress all around her. She even scolds my peers and friend and say “smile”. I feel sad for my teacher and my friends.

We have to come early to practice and ensure we perform well - If my friends do not come any day my teacher gets angry. I am sad for teacher and my friends.

When my friends do not perform well, they have even been asked “if you do not perform well you will be out of the performance, or you have to be here whole day doing the same”. Some listen, some do not – as they are fine to go out of the performance. I feel sad for my teacher.

If my friends come late, they are not allowed to dance in the class, I feel sad for my teacher and for my friends.

My teacher is very hard working, she is stressed, she is in pain - I feel sad for my teacher and my friends.

My teacher wants us to perform well, but she is sad – I am sad for my teacher and my friends.

I do not know why my teacher wants me to perform for the audience – I want to perform for myself and share the happiness with the audience – To make audience feel happy, my teacher is sad - I am sad for my teacher.

God - why do you make one teacher? I want only friends in my class – I just enjoy with them. They listen to me, they share with me, and they are with me. They teach me, I learn from them. All in my class are my friends but not my teacher – she is sad. I am sad for my teacher.

I was reflecting on my own sessions as a faculty

• When I think kids are not listening – how do I behave?
• When I think kids are not serious – how do I behave?
• When I think kids are taking things for granted – how do I behave?
• When I think kids are not respecting – how do I behave?
• When I think me and my subject matter are important, not the kids – how do I behave?
• When I think kids are learner and they want to learn - how do I behave?
• When I respect then as equal – how do I behave?
• When I listen to them – how do I behave?
• When I believe in then – how do I behave?

My apologies to all the learner with whom I have misbehaved consciously or unconsciously. I am learning and growing - thank you all who gave me opportunity to learn.

Clear Goal

I was amazed with the energy and devotion children showed in Kathak and Choreography performance. One can debate that they have external goal “performance”. But I saw the same entu and energy even when they were not doing for audience and just were learning.

Asa said she is performing to get the experience on the stage while Dhup said “I am doing, because there are 150 audiences, at GK only faculty is there to see me in sunshine”. Dhup had clear goal to join choreography class - “perform on the stage”. I am in awe with kids capability to work, learn and enjoy when they have clear goal.

In Aarohi we have been talking about "How will kids will cope up with real life which is full of competition, comparison, punishment, threats, ....................................".

Recently kids worked on a dance performance - they were exposed to another organisation and people from outside GK/ Aarohi. It was not Aaorhi event, by chance all the kids were of Aarohi :)

They faced all kinds of environment to achieve their goal – vigour, threats, punishments, bribe, comparison……… ”. Yet, kids enjoyed and worked with commitment for the show, they were confident on the stage and not fearful of anything, they stood to the vigour, the commitment and the environment.

I wanted to run away from the environment. I stood to the real lief environment of threats, punishments, bribe, comparison, ……… ” with kids as they inspired me to face the real life.

I am happy I traveled my journey with them.

And I also learnt that

1. Kids learn when I give them bribe, threaten, punish, scream, scold, or put external reasons like exams, audience, chocolate and appreciation from others etc.
2. Kids learn even If I do not do any of the above and let them stay with themselves – treat them as equal, respect them as equals.
3. Kids get motivated when I give them bribe “do well, so all will clap for you, drink the milk so you be the first and good boy”.
4. Kids get motivated even If I do not bribe them and if I let them stay with FAIR – fun, aim, involvement and self rewards.

At the end my thought - What do I gain in various ways I work with the child. What is my role?

Me and Soham

The difference between me (adult) and Soham (child)

Soham has come for night out with Dhrupad, Every time dhup says “I am scared in the dark, Soham says “come I will come with you”. They are working in perfect harmony and understand. Dhup wants to learn from Soham how to go in dark.

• Me is trying to teach him to face darkness, and dhup is still scared of darkness
• Soham has no agenda of teaching, still dhup is learning from him.

Soham me aisa kya hai jo munh mein nahi hai?

Belief - coming in time

Coming late –

My belief - People wants to come in time. They may see different value in different things. They may see more value in other things (sleep or make food for the child) than the session. So I am fine if anyone walking in my session late. I welcome them with a smile; I do not stop my session for them. I have also seen people making efforts to come in time as they do like to miss initial activity. I have also seen people getting update from their peers in the evening.

If they ask anything related to what they have missed I do not give them gyan. I have gone thru my journey when I used to do all this (show my discomfort to them by saying “that is why you need to come in time or come in time if you need to take 100% from the session.) - I see value in my changed belief – I am at peace.

Me Important

My harvest from today’s session “I am responsible for the session, but not important inside the session”.

When Akeela was presenting the Motivation’s model of “FAIR”, I was pulling her for the sake of grilling. Soon I stopped grilling her and started listening.

I stopped grilling her because

1. I saw some value in it for me J
2. She was clear of her content

I like this PULLING strategy – let me make myself so valuable inside the session with my own content that I do not need to demand attention and respect.

Expected behaviour

The buzz word at home is “expected behaviour”.

Last Friday I expressed to dhup “I am upset and I am finding it difficult to work with you to make you understand expected behaviour”. I broke my promise to him that I will not get upset with him J

He asked “what is expected?”

I said “what you are suppose to do”.

He said I know. But I donot like discussion on what I have done wrong”

So now – no discussions, only asking “what is expected behaviour?” He explains and we move ahead. Like

• What is expected behaviour after you take bath? (put towel to dry, put cream etc etc).
• What is expected behaviour in Geniekids (while he was jumping across the chairs?)
• What is expected behaviour when ma-pa are doing the show. (in the middle of the khattah mitha he wanted to discuss about his night out).

He likes describing. He describes in detail “what is expected”. When he describes he does not need to say “I did this wrong, or did not follow, or I will do like this”. He just describes and does what he has missed (keep towel and put cream after bath).

Smile so they smile

In Kathnak class, while kids watch us, they remind us “smile, keep your elbow up……..’

Today while they were dancing I decided to look at them and smile. They started smiling back.

I was told “dance for the audience, if you smile they will smile. Enjoy dance, so audience will enjoy”

I thought “let me smile so the dancers smile, let me enjoy watching, so the dancer enjoy”.

The buzz word at home is “expected behaviour”.

On Friday shared with him “I am upset and I am finding it difficult to work with you to understand expected behaviour”. I broke my promise :)

He asked “what is expected?”

I said “what you are suppose to do”.

He said I know. But I donot like discussion on what I have done wrong”

Past two days – no discussion, only asking “what is expected behaviour?” He explains and we move ahead.

What is expected behaviour after you take bath ?
What is expected behaviour in Geniekids (while he was jumping across the chairs?)
What is expected behaviour when ma-pa are doing the show. (in the middle of the khattah mitha he wanted to discuss about his night out).

He likes describing. He describes in detail “what is expected”. When he describes he does not need to say “I did this wrong, or did not follow, or I will do like this”. He just describes and does what he has missed (keep towel and put cream after bath).

i enjoy listening :) He enjoys describing - win win.

Well, keeping it to minumum, use it only when it is require - reflecting on our own needs of behaviour. So using this buzz word with caution.

Empowerment

My current area of research -"Empowerment" (Am able). - Here I am sharing my running thoughts with some of the readings I have done on empowerment - the readings are not related to children at all - I am deriving my own views from the readings on empowerment. Open for discussion

A myth called empowerment - Many times when we talk about “empowerment” it is taken as

* Child can do anything – child has power/ authority to do anything. For example “If I want to play in sand here, while I am expected to be getting ready to reach in time” So let the child do whatever the child wants to do? Child is in control. CHild is empowered
... * I am an adult – I do not need to be told what to do, how to do – I am empowered.
* As a faculty/ parent I do not need to demand work, self discipline, commitment, efforts, class management, safety, etc etc from the child. The child is empowered

I start with this thought on “empowering”

“While children are natural learners, should we also not suggest that empowerment is not a blank cheque and brings with it a sense of responsibility to sustain good human values and citizenship” – author unknown.

“Empowerment is not giving people power, people already have plenty of power, in the wealth of their knowledge and motivation, to do their jobs magnificently. We define empowerment as letting this power out (Blanchard, K)."

Dhrupad came back from school at 4pm and wanted to play in sand area. The care givers had to clean the area, hence not allowing him to play. At 4 pm all kids are suppose to come inside and stay in library so care takers can clean the whole centre. He wanted to play – he knows that he is not suppose to play, but he wanted and he was thinking of various ways to play - go backside and till others objects etc etc. IS HE EMPOWERED?

It encourages people to gain the skills and knowledge that will allow them to overcome obstacles in life or work environment and ultimately, help them develop within themselves or in the society.

I had an interaction with him. At the end He told me “I will practice that I am seeing other’s point of view also”. He needs this re-inforcement at different places, in different forms.

Another myth - I spoke to the child once, I do not need to do it again, now the child should do it automitacilly. I should get the result without me doing more :)

On leanring - my journey

Asa was exposed to swimming since she was 1 and ½ years old. She finally learnt to swim while she was 12 yrs old. All thru the journey she enjoyed water, swimming, trying………………and got some techniques to learn from us (me and rat both swim decently) as and when she wanted. Dhup still splashes in the pool.

While I wanted to learn about children/ parenting/ learning I found many many resources to learn - people, books, google, peers, workshop – I learnt thru experience, sharing and exploring. I learnt a lot by interacting and sharing with other educators. I attended workshops and still attend workshops and learn from others. Books and real life experience (with kids, trainers and parents) are my major source of learning in this field.

So when a child wants to learn swimming or maths – child can decide HOW child wants to learn - you, me, books, peers, activities, exploring, experiencing, or by people directly. I take help of people as resource. The need is mine, the goal is mine – I learn in various ways and all ways are welcome in life learning.

When a child wants to learn about astronomy I can bring in many resources to explore – there are people who are ready to just share and give exposure to any learner – I have not found such openness in performing arts.

I have learnt bird watching, photography, sketching, computers, web content development, language of English, cooking, baking, painting, embroidery, knitting, swimming, car driving, tennis, stitching, publishing, ………….. Ratnesh have bigger list……..all by sharing, books, watching, trying, interacting and being with people who knows about it. I have also learnt the skills of yoga, counselling, play back theatre, jive and scuba diving in structured courses. There are things like singing and guitar which I started but left and did not learn. I started learning Kathak twice and left, again started 3 months back. So I learn in many different ways.

I learn because I like learning, I think I can learn, I think have the hang of that skill. I leave learning because I think I cannot learn or not my strength (singing and guitar).

Do Do

This has been question in my mind “how to facilitate Dhrupad?” At home I have tried many things.

My new trial

I approached him “I know you do not like discussions, so I am not doing any discussion with you. I am sharing my observation which I discussed with papa, correct me if my observation is wrong.”.

I started “I have observed a pattern

We forced you to try different food – Pizza is one of them , now you only want to eat pizza, pizaa, pizaa………………………….

We forced you to see “Laqshya, now you only want to see. Lakshya, Lakshya…………………

We forced you to see Jodha Akbar, now you only want to see JB. JB. JB. JB…………………………………

We forced you to meet Rahul byaa, now you only want to meet RB, RB, RB, RB……………………

We refused to read for you, you started reading, now you only want to read. Read, read………………….

When you want to see TV – you want to see see, see see see…………………….

At home you wish to only read read read or Tv Tv Tv or play play play

When you want to buy toy, you want yo buy buy buy…………..

By now he started laughing and said talk to me more I want to laugh more……………………

You did not want to go to Cobey we forced you, now you only want to go to Cobey , cobey. Cobey………………..

I continued “So things when they are new, you resist, even cry. If you like you want to do do do do again again again ……………and the cycle of resistance starts for other things. Like after Lagaan you did not want to see Lakshya, after Lakshya you did not want to see Jodha Akbar, after Jodha Akbar now you do not want to see next new movie”.

So we will continue to expose you to new things............... even if you resist. You can continue doing what you like, reject or try later what you do not like. At home no constraint on you to watch Tv or play video games or play but you will include doing new things in your daily routine.

We also have observed that for new things we have to sit with you, do with you, guide you, interact with you, try various things…………….so we will continue to be with you when you do new things for guidance. This one hour may be difficult for you, but we want to continue to do so – rest of the day is your choice.

He agreed, and he was still laughing.

We started thinking what you can do tomorrow – he started with resistance -" I do not want to do this, that". Finally we agree do writing from Maggi packet. Also informed him Wednesday activity on music, listen to music and draw the song or come with your idea, any idea which you do not like doing or you have not tried till now.

Also he does not like going for feedback, “I will try doing this things also as I am working on making my mind flexible”.

We had Aaawari’s feedback in the morning and we came up with the similar plan for

1. We expose to you to new things
2. You learn naturally with your pace.

So she too have decided to have this one hour a day where she will do things she does not like.

• Ratnesh has decided to do one hour of exercise – which he does not like to do
• I have decided to read one hour – which I do not like to do (keep it for the end).