Assertive

Father calling child bloody
Child collecting Rs 10/ every time father use this word
Parent's thought - As a child was collecting the fine -- a threat?
As a child, did she adopt this appropriate ( to her) strategy to stop a not so expected word from pa, whom she respected?
What did this 'threat'/bribe of fine reinforce upon her and her appa?
How did this 'fine' or 'threat', (one of her approaches) help in bringing an awareness to her pa?
So, what did a childs strategy of 'threat' (one of the many approaches/strategies available) do?
Is it not appropriate for a child to be SMART, to be assertive about his own needs and expectations from others.
Is it an exchange of ones needs or a bribe/threat?

My perspective

Collecting money neither gives assertive message to the doer nor does it save my emotional trauma. For father Rs 10 is not big deal, for child it is a satisfaction that she made him feel bad for himself by making him realize that he is using bad words.

If someone outside the house is bullying me saying bloody, stupid, …………do I collect money? What your daughter did was the best option available to her. So what is my role?

Pa can laugh by saying “see my child is so smart, getting the work done from me”. But is it really smartness? Or what is smartness?

SMART for me has no meaning - Assertive has lot of meaning for me. All sales people are asked to be smart, but when they come to sell anything to you – you know what they are talkingJ. I can think I am smart, but it is outside locus of control and my smartness depends on others capability to get conned :)

So when we work with HOM – we say every opportunity is good news – so it is good news that in home only she is facing inappropriate situation and you get the opportunity to create awareness about various options of how to be Assertive for one’s need.

There is thin line between threat and logical consequence.

• When you say “bloody” to me – It hurts my emotions.
• When you say “bloody” to me “I will not respond to you”. I demand my respect.
• When you are angry with me you can explain to me – and every time you are angry, not necessarily I am wrong. If you are angry – you can say like this………………. but not at my emotions cost by saying “bloody to me”.

Believe me say this to someone ONE time and for life the person will think before targeting you. People bully the one who is vulnerable……if you are assertive they will not like to trouble you.

At home I do not show my emotional tantrums to Asawari – she very clearly clarifies “what you are saying is not right, I understand what you are feeling, but this is how I think, I know this is what you want from me, but I can do it this way”. She also does not allow me to do this with Dhup – When I share my emotions, she listens, she cares but does not allow me to go beyond my limits. But I cross my limits with rat and take him for grantedJ

When I am upset with Asa I used to demand “reply to me, I need to understand what you are thinking”. She clarified “when you are upset, I cannot speak, I can write and share my thoughts”. I accepted her way, she now even speaks.

When she confronted me for the first time, I said “I am happy; you expressed and did not get bogged down with my emotions. Infact your expression helped me to understand myself”.

For me this is Assertiveness. Ask for my rights without using any tactics (emotional atyachar, money, anger, punishment, threats, silence, stop eating food……..).

In my perspective when one is telling me “bloody” – I have two options

1. Be assertive and clarify my needs
2. Ignore and do not get affected

So when a child is affected – I can guide the child, make aware what all is assertiveness….how all……..etc etc. This may take 1, 2…………….10 yrs – over to Shubha for HOM